This and That- Friday May 27, 2022

 I got up early today.  Checking now on dad; he asks for cranberry juice. I don't have it. I tell him we only have apple juice. He will get cranberry juice the  next time we shop.  He goes on about the cranberry juice but I only have leftover cranberry juice at home and one container of apple juice as a back up.  I don't want to make a special trip today.  It's funny how persistent dad is about his specific diet. He never even had the cranberry juice before I got it for his infections.  Well enough of this grumpy talk.

Helva is at the Freedom Ford place. The bill is very big. But I don't want to die and we will depend on Helva for transportation for the next 8 years at least. 

I have almost done the laundry. It took a awhile. The floors were mopped casually. I am making BLTs for lunch.  The watermelon is cut up and is dessert. I cut up half the watermelon yesterday and now the other half is done. It's useful to eat watermelon as it's low in calories I think. In any case, I am now buying fruit in small amounts as they cost a lot and we sometimes waste the fruit. 

I was supposed to return the library books yesterday but it didn't get done. Grumpiness is not associated with productivity with me. 

Thankfully right now taxes are done or at least I hope they are done without further work. I haven't found out if I did the taxes right. Sometimes I mess up. But so far no information on the status of my work. Older boy has taken over his tax work so that's a relief. 

Older boy is going to Europe soon. I feel nervous about him going but there is nothing I can do to protect him from life.  So I have to suck it up.

This is his first trip abroad. I still remember him as a small baby and I can't believe my small baby is now a man.

I miss my mum. I miss Sue.  I miss so many dead people like my Aunty Daya in England. I miss them and I think about them here so maybe they are not really gone if I can remember them in my heart and in my writing.  You are only dead when you aren't loved.

Sometimes I get tired of looking after dad and Rebecca. It is a burden. Then I know I have to remove myself for a bit from care taking.  I have outsourced most of the work already. It's just that dad and Rebecca don't come without responsibilities such as estate management.  I am not able to outsource the estate management and in addition, I have to work on this stuff over years.  It is stuff that hangs over me like dark clouds.  Yesterday hubby and I went for a walk. This helped me with the grumpiness.

I expect Helva will be done about 1 pm. I will get a Uber lift from Freedom Ford. The Uber thing is new to me. I feel sorry for the mostly POC who do this job to add to their income. I feel sorry for a lot of people.

I am very fortunate to have time to do the work required for the family. I just wish I didn't feel this is all such a PITA.  I wish my parents had got rid of all the junk in their  house instead of leaving it for me to dump. 

@JulieYAli · 1h @AHS_media In any case, every month dad has to pay for portering both ways now. I got a bill this month that is eye popping. I am worried about these bills. If private continuing care costs increase because homecare costs are limited what will this mean for my dad and others?

I took Helva to the Freedom Ford place. Spent ages trying to figure out their billing.Got a Uber and yapped with the Uber driver. Then got home to find out more money is required for Helva in addition to the costs that I am confused about from this morning. Now Helva is to be at the Freedom Ford place until tomorrow as they order parts today. Now I am without a car except for dad's truck that I don't like to drive. 

I am doing the rest of the laundry. It is everywhere in the main room. I don't know how I got so much material to wash. I will soon donate some of these materials.

I haven't yet got to my dad's place. But I did make the pasta sauce for supper so this is one productive thing.

I am yapping with AHS about the portering bill which is escalating. I go on social media to ask for help.  

I am not sure what we can do about these increasing costs. 

Julie Ali

@JulieYAli

My dad is in private continuing care and the costs are increasing. I wrote to

@AHS_media

about these costs today. I don't know how seniors are expected to pay for downloaded costs. It's a shame we don't have a gov. that funds homecare properly.

@Alberta_UCP

My poor dad.

3:52 PM · May 26, 2022·Twitter Web App

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Julie Ali

@JulieYAli

·

1h

Replying to

@JulieYAli

When we first got him to the placement homecare paid for his portering down to his meals. He is blind and can't do it by himself. Then for some reason they yanked the portering service by Bayshore. I don't know if it is because there is a specific amount for seniors

@AHS_media

Julie Ali

@JulieYAli

·

1h

@AHS_media

In any case, every month dad has to pay for portering both ways now. I got a bill this month that is eye popping. I am worried about these bills. If private continuing care costs increase because homecare costs are limited what will this mean for my dad and others?

Julie Ali

@JulieYAli

·

1h

Who do we go to when we can't get sufficient homecare for my dad?

@AHS_media

Do we go to the

@GoAHealth

place? Now that

@dryiu_verna

is fired who do citizens yap to about costs for their parents in the private continuing care system?

@Alberta_UCP

Julie Ali

@JulieYAli

·

3m

@JasonCoppingAB

I am asking you to find out what I can do to increase the home care support for my dad who is blind and is in the private continuing care system in Riverbend. Before

@AHS_media

homecare paid for portering. Now it is downloaded to him. It's a lot of money.

Julie Ali

@JulieYAli

·

4m

@JasonCoppingAB

@AHS_media

Usually I write to

@dryiu_verna

when I have problems in the continuing care system but now that you have fired her I don't know who to ask for help. I wrote to a manager today. Can you help my dad with portering costs please?

and then become

 the rain makes a route

to arrive

in the garden

where the peonies survive

 

the solitude of growth

is accompanied by

the lightning storm

and the burnt sky

that is now clean

 you see the way

there are moments

 in every day

where you fragment

but this need not end

in the lost path

follow the bend

in the path     and hope

for strength to come

for you to mature

and then become

what Sue was

in her short blur

don't be cowardly

instead be her

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l0q7MLPo-u8

Simon & Garfunkel - The Sounds of Silence (Audio)

and really that is all we are meant to do

 I pulled all the clothes off the line outside as there were ominous rumblings. Now the sofa is full of clothes. I leave the mess there. It's best not to fret about housework even though the floors need a wash badly.  It will get done. It will all get done. But not now. The grumpy day is over and I have had a nap to recover my equanimity. There is hope that tomorrow will be productive. Of course  I am already committed to taking water for Rebecca's BIPAP machine early in the morning and then taking Helva to the Ford place at Freedom Ford for her wheel alignment and the coolant flush which it appears we never did. Cars are just like kids and cost  a ton of cash.  

I will be glad if it rains as the peonies we transplanted were looking dehydrated so the water will help. In fact all the potted plants need wetting and I didn't get around to watering today. I didn't get around to doing much today other than taking Rebecca to her eye appointment and that was it. 

 

I didn't get to see dad and it was better I didn't go as I was grumpy. A grumpy visit isn't good.

Oh good the water is coming down now. There is a lot of water so this means the plants may survive the summer. In any case, we have transplanted the seedlings so it's survival of the fittest now.

The watermelon didn't get cut. I will do it later. Will have to buy some more groceries tomorrow. I wasn't organized today. Some days are like this. 

 

 

when you arrive here

don't expect that you will

somehow finish all you mean to do

in fact have no expectations at all

just expect problems

 

your life may be full of woe

or you may simply not know

what you are doing

which appears to be

my story in these sorry times

 

but let me focus now

your mother lived to a good old age

and although she suffered

surely it wasn't all bad?

as for Sue she went early

 

and her life was sad

but she lived and left behind stories

Rebecca is sick and losing ground

but she has you as her advocate

and well   somehow you manage 

 

as for your dad he also has a hard time

but he has persevered

and really that is all we are meant to do

so don't quit       and stop whining about your life

these are the challenges of nearly everybody

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ib_eW9VSUwM

Nancy Sinatra & Lee Hazlewood-Summer Wine

 

 

 

I make a door in this poem

 I make a door in this poem

I can to this           because the imagination 

is a way into the interior

I make the door       and I walk through

and here is the place where I am

competent and capable

I made this place just for myself

when I feel most inadequate and useless

I make a door      to another self     who can do

the work that is required

I tell myself the estate work isn't forever

but is in itself time limited

 I make a door in this poem

I free myself from the problems of others

and I tell myself    here is the place

where you are free of demands

and incessant cries for attention

here you are free of them

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HlTW7CjyUaQ&list=RDMM3k7OncTVHkI&index=3

With Our Trouble · Gabrielle Papillon

I can do this hellish work

 I write a poem

so that I can keep going

 

I tell myself

you can do the work of estate administration

 

 

I tell myself 

I am brave and capable

 

 

and when the poem is completed

I feel this is productive

 

of course I still have 

the work to finish      but at least

 

I have cheerleaders

in the poems that tell me

 

 

I can do this hellish work

and that there is something satisfying 

 

in cleaning up a mess

that was the responsibility of my parents

 

but of course they had no sense

and simply added to the mess

 

it's what they always did

they didn't fix what was broken

 

but added to the work

that I have to do   and  they even made it more complicated as well

 

I am getting tired of being

the fixer upper of messes

 

I want my life back again

and I don't want dependants

 

my entire life 

I have looked after them

 

and now I think it's time for me

to live a life that is free of them

 

or at least as free

as it can possibly be  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHrLPs3_1Fs&list=RD3k7OncTVHkI&index=4

George Ezra - Budapest (Official Video)

while I whirl about in space

 and my son tells me

life isn't supposed to be this hard

and I paused to think about this

perhaps I don't need to do everything

but instead do a few things well

I watch my son growing

and I wonder to myself

where did the baby vanish to?

and how did this man arrive?

you know as you hurry through life

 

you lose things

you lose time where  you could

just be      and don't forget you also lose

the time to be with him    this is to say

that life isn't supposed to be this hard

 

 

and instead could be what I wish it to be

which might mean that I could stop filling the hours

and instead  not rush about

as if I had important work to do

when in reality it's not that important

 

 

at least not as important

as my son who is growing up

while I whirl about in space

this is the time for me to simply stop

and think about the place where I wish to be  

there are jobs that I don't want to do

and surely there are people I don't want to be with 

and there are duties that should be done

if I ever want to be finished with the estate

but for now I stop whirling and sit to write poetry

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3k7OncTVHkI&list=RD3k7OncTVHkI&start_radio=1

The Waifs - Bridal Train

This and That-- Wednesday May 25, 2022

 I got up early. Had 2 toast with cheese.  Coffee. Now going to Rebecca to take her for her eye injection with Avastin at Dr. Ehmann's office. 

Will drop off Helva for wheel alignment and other jobs after hubby gets off work.

Right now the sun is beaming.  I am waiting a bit before I go. Laundry is stiff corpses on the line outside. More laundry inside house. Hopefully will see dad today as I was too tired after doing the house emptying and donations yesterday to go see him.  

I took stuff to Find and to Rebecca's continuing care place.  It is all going to be used by other people. 

I have the pork chops and leftover sausage to use for supper today.  Have got beef defrosting for tomorrow. Trying to use up pantry stocks as well. 

Today will be less busy than yesterday I think. I will take Rebecca to the big M for her treat.  She has other appointments coming up.  I will put her pull ups in Helva now. 

Dropped off pullups. Got Rebecca through eye appointment.  Went to big M. Talked to LPN on phone about the persistent cough I had noticed.  Will have to take distilled water x 6 tomorrow. Too tired today. 

Won't be going to dad. Very tired today. Noted that dad's bills are increasing now. It's troubling. But again I am stuck.

I have to admit I can't take care of him or Rebecca while I am emptying out his house which I won't be able to do today. Tomorrow Helva is in the shop at Freedom Ford so might use the truck to take stuff out of house tomorrow. I don't know. Will see how energetic I am.

I have done several loads of laundry but I am now seriously tired. I have still to go through the books at my dad's house. I have given the first winnowings away but now will have to get serious about the rest. 

I am not a super fast estate cleaner upper.  I will just do it as energy permits. 

We got the pork chops cooked on the BBQ with the leftover sausage. I made a salad. It was good. We had  a short nap. It was helpful.

Now I feel awake enough to do the work that I need to do.

you simply pause

 I went to visit dad as he was not able to start his TV. He had shut off the cable somehow. I put the other remote away from him. I took some blackberries for him as the blueberries weren't available. I got his sweater home to wash. 

I am now washing the sweater. I read Patrick Rothfuss's book "The Slow Regard of Silent Things. It's an odd one. But I like odd. Its so much nicer to read odd than ordinary. 

I will read his other books because he is odd. Some of them are on CDs so I will have to find a CD player. Maybe I can play his stories while I empty dad's house. It will be company on the long road to empty.

I had BBQ chicken, mashed potatoes, salad and pie that hubby thoughtfully got for me. I have a good husband.

I haven't done much today but I did read a lot. It was sort of a pause day.  

 

 

and when you expect to be frayed

you simply pause

you do nothing too ambitious

and you wait

 

the frayed ends mend themselves

and the heart itself is repaired

the garden teaches you

what is old is replaced

 

its a fact of life

that we aren't to grieve

but simply continue

one way or another   we do it

 

mending yourself

is all about understanding

we aren't machinery

that we are indeed friable

 

 and so knowing this 

we do what we can to heal

we strip away the excess

and retain the essential

 

we understand that 

things don't define us

nor do they add to our lives

but instead bury us

 

 

and reading that

stuff is just stuff

I can peel away the things

that I carry 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cL6kHi7OiUY&list=RDMM3k7OncTVHkI&index=3

Hallelujah - Kirchliche Trauung - Live gesungen von JULIETTE / #triolux

I don't know the way

 in the storeroom of passion

by the door where we place

the warnings of trouble

and the myths of our race

I followed tradition

until it no longer felt

reasonable to do so

and then I raised a small welt

 

I put down the scar

and gouged the faint line

I remembered the story

and it's sharp decline

 

but what does this mean?

I can't really say

a poem is brittle 

and has it's own way

 

in the storeroom of passion

are the lines that collect 

I inspect them all daily

 and decide which ones to reject

 

the ones that I use

might gather the rest

and be nucleus around which

the poem is dressed

 

I don't know the way

but it's better to see

only after making

the poetic tree 

and is instead

 and as I think about the future

I wonder where the goals went to

I see the light against the window

delivering a pithy sentence 

of impermanence

and I watch my father wither

as the days crumble into night

and the silver tarnishes

all things become disposable in the end 

oh you who understand grief

explain to me this business

of day after day            waiting to empty

explain how years after a day with Sue

I can still remember her face

and the body on the hospital bed

tell me how to forget

I can't stay on the island of grief

 

without withering as well 

or is this meant to be recursive cycle?

I can't understand

aren't we supposed to be hardening 

into nothingness?

or is grief a permanent sentence

where you are jailed for not being perfect?

I tell you these things 

 

so you might be different 

here is the bright day where I have woken up

to coffee and books     my mind is untangled 

after sleeping

and I see the future isn't as big as I imagined

and is instead      full of losses that I never dreamed of

and now I sit in the writing room anticipating

a pared down future that might be all about    less and less  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3k7OncTVHkI&list=RDMM3k7OncTVHkI&start_radio=1

The Waifs - Bridal Train

This and That --Sunday May 22, 2022

 I started the day with toast and coffee. Then I took down the poor laundry. The laundry has been waiting for rescue for 2 weeks. The clothes were annoyed. They rumbled discontentedly as I put them in the hamper. I took younger boy's clothes to him and stuffed them in the luggage bag. He is going back to Calgary this weekend. 

I also left the rest of the clothes in the hamper waiting for the bugs to defrost and zoom around. 

Once the bugs are detached from the clothes I will put them away.

I wrote poems while I waited for bugs to detach. 

It is sunny out. We will go and remove potted plants from their nursery and rehouse them soon. It's best to take time to do this as we are both old and our bodies are hurting from yesterday's work in the garden. 

Life is like a wheel pressing down on you. Bodies begin to protest like the clothes left on the line for 2 weeks. I begin to wonder when the end will come. Will I die in a car accident? Will it be in a hospital bed like Sue? What will the end be like? 

I put these thoughts before me and accept temporary.  Then I look at some poems I had written before I got so old. They were OK. But nothing special.  I look back on a goals list I made as a twenty three old and it's surprising but I have met some of my goals 

I will take some of my old poems and rehouse them in little chap books that I will make for myself. It's good to have new goals.  It's good to be happy with how little I have accomplished. It's good to have survived while Sue died early and painfully.  A good death was not had by her or by mum. A good death may not be possible for most of us. Let me accept this and still continue.

Outside the sun is hosing down the garden with bright white rivers of light.

There is a surge of green.  I wonder if we ever had summer. I will go make another cup of coffee. I will cheer up.

will help grief pass

 I am sure  the summer with it's slippers

will step lightly over the grass

and that the words I sew here

over the wound   will help grief pass

I am sure that time is money

and that time is also space

to learn how to be     and to observe the events

that like the clouds in the sky     seem to race

I am sure that thinking hard

is useful practice for the day

when I lie in a hospital bed

and wait for me to go away

I am sure that writing itself

is insight   and grace for the past

I wait for the future that is coming

and I hope the gains will last 

perhaps grief is now a luxury

 if you see me writing 

these poems

you might think these are ways

to escape from pain

you might think that why not instead

take down the laundry on the line

or  note that     the silver moon

that had hooked itself

on the night bed last night    is  now missing?

perhaps grief is now a luxury

that is only enjoyed

by those who have a name

I ignore everyone and I write

out the story of my sister

how she was brave and uncomplaining

how I miss her calm presence

how I wish I had been kinder

while she suffered for years

I don't know what happened to me

but I have become hard with the events

that have happened to my family

every time I write a poem

tears flow          and I think

surely life isn't supposed to be like this?

surely there is a better way

to be temporary?

I haven't found the way out yet

of the maze of grief and regret

but each poem extracts the pain

that is bottled inside of me 

I trust one day I can pick up a piece

of Sue           in her home and pack it away

 

without crying       I hope for this one day

that I might be detached from the things

she left behind as evidence

of her bright and shining spirit that endures 

and now I don't believe / in a cure for cancer

 I left you behind

because I knew

we were all temporary

and grief won't return you to me

but today I found 

your brown bandana 

and I wore it about my head

as if it were something you left behind

to remind me to live my life

but the bandana isn't you

and I had to stop crying

because life isn't about the dying

but the living

here is a May day

where you are far away

in the dirt where you now live

and I can't speak to you

but I send you this message

I haven't forgotten you

or our mother 

death has silenced you 

but I am still here speaking your name

I make a poem 

to crystallize your life

your art is all about your home

and the things you collected remind me

that I have too many stories

you died fighting for your life

I wish you could have survived

metastatic breast cancer

but this wasn't possible

and now I don't believe 

in a cure for cancer

those fairy tales won't be believed     ever again

     any longer by me because
I have seen your body in the hospital bed

 I haven't forgotten you   I say your name in this poem  Sue

 

 

 

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3k7OncTVHkI&list=RDMM3k7OncTVHkI&start_radio=1

 

 

The Waifs - Bridal Train

you might say

 and I took

the time    to garden

and enjoy my time

with the sun slipping 

off the noose of the clouds

to beam about the world

you might say 

that I was unproductive

and then I yapped on social media

as if I knew anything

and the day wears out 

it's tires to rest a while

the solitude of silence

is here again

the sons grow up

and I get older

you understand the future

is all about attrition

but today was different

I forgot the work ahead

and the care-taking duties

I simply dug in the garden

I spread the compost about the land

I watched the peonies push up their fists

and the grass itself ripped off her brown face

to become green again

you must understand

that these are miracles     that are very ordinary 

I took the time today

to feel my life

I left the care-taking job to my brother

I spent the day with my husband

and son

I saw the sun beat her golden wings

and take off in the blue sky

I saw the dead poppies rise again 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3k7OncTVHkI&list=RDMM3k7OncTVHkI&start_radio=1

The Waifs - Bridal Train

you mustn't think of the losses

 It is best to continually write poems paring and paring the apple of thought to succinct core.  It's useful to learn obedience to scarcity of language and to eat the core of language, seeds and all. 

Inside you a tree will grow and spread out branches while outside you language forests are cut down day after day and piles of lumber created. In the end you may get enough wood to build a house of thought. Or not.

In any case, writing simply and beautifully takes development of the axe and the axe wielder.  It takes time. You have to become. You can't simply write beautifully. You have to spend time writing about what matters to you which may be the issues you deal with in your life. In thinking about these issues you may come to some understanding of yourself and how you deal with problems.  Ultimately out of this sort of engagement you may learn to communicate sparsely.  Or not.

If you write forests of words and wander about in these forests lost and confused as I do sometimes it's useful to stop getting lost and simply find a map to follow.  I use other poets as my maps. I read their poems.  I imitate their voices which are not my voices. But imitation is productive still because you are trying out different costumes in the parade of poetry.

in the garden

the allium are bustling about

growing up

as are the iris

you mustn't think of the losses

the peonies that aren't rising up red fists

or the silver laces of the poppies   pink and white

that are torn and discarded

there are losses everywhere

no reason to think of this as dispiriting

you simply pick up the shovel

compost the losses and begin again

Sue's garden waits for me to rescue it

in tidy pots she has hopefully left a legacy of love

I will dig up the pots    I will plant her inheritance

my dead garden will be Sue's garden of life